one more white

Once again i am sitting,shitting, as i always sat when i wrote this way. And this time too will write random stuffs. same words, same feelings,may be grammatically more correct or incorrect. but things are gonna be same. black letters on this white dashboard.

its just one more white,
just another sight,
will i write
of whats happening

Aadat

tu aadat hai re
haan aadat jaati hai
par yaad aati hai
ki ek aadat thi
ki tu thi.

whats your status??

Good or Bad
Or just Sad
May be bit happy
and cursing your dad.
Rhyming the words
or just letting them flow
like from your ass this morning
you let it blow.
muahahahhahahahaha or laughing out loud
cursing the bitch ,or Oh!! no Gaud???
Chilling or hotting
pissing or pottying
whats your status??

i think we are loving a lot..fucking a lot...sipping and go-ssiping a lot...sharing and then share marketing a lot...dying and dye-ing ...doing a lot..doing a lot a lot... and then anal-eye-sing a lot...

I am sad for love after a long time..it does not feel nice..

अलसाई चिपचिपाती शाम आई थी

फ़िर चली गई जाते हुए,देते

इक हल्कापन सा

कुछ कुछ-नही-सा

कभी देखा है नदी को तब , जब
गिर के पहाड़ से आगे निकल जा चुकी होती है ,जब
दरिया भी कही बहुत पास नज़र नही आता होता .
खुश होती है ,अलसाई सी
हंसती है सूरज -हँसी खिलखिलाती

मैं पल दो पल का शायर हूँ

पल दो पल मेरी कहानी है

पल दो पल मेरी हस्ती है

पल दो पल मेरी जवानी है

And now when you have reached, or at least think that you have, and know the knowable and the unknown.Now that you know what are the questions and also the answers of some of them.Now that you do, what will you do?Will you throw yourself in the real-romantic river or the romanticized-real sea or will you highlight the answer of this question also in grey?Find a mid way?go astray?get confused and let it be?

I have seen him running after it,

Fearfully chasing,for one last touch.

He knows it would go , and

So might he, into that infinity.

I have seen him dreaming it, still,

Though with ambiguity,

For the love of it perhaps

Or just an urge may be

And then what??
What and then what?!! I mean..ok fine..then he took out his bike and set out to start his journey alone.
You mean alone like somebody said that we all have come alone and will die alone..
Not so poetic yaar.Alone just meant no friends or companion with him.
Oh!!
And suddenly he sped up the bike so fast that he could feel the gush of wind cutting his eye-corners like the thread cuts the paper.And he could see the water-drops accompanying the wind in opposite direction for a while before evaporating.
So what about it?? It happens if you drive fast.Right?
Yup, right you are. Its just that he was not sure of what the blade which was cutting his eyes, until it bled water, was made of. Was it the wind or the thought of being alone or were they the memories which inevitably stalks a presumably loner .

Like half-forgotten tunes
they linger in my thoughts,
singing in harmony,
failing to catch the words.
And if only i could play guitar
I would have played to you my friend
what a lover I could be.

Serialization and Deserialization(thats what I am reading).
And suddenly a realization.With my mood swinging between extremes I romanticize events around me according to which extreme of the mood i am in.The metaphors and the similies also swinging from its weakest(cliched) form to wierdest(totally incomprehensible) form. The ironies swinging between being genuinely ironical to not being one at all. And then a smirk breaks the lip-line and fills the heart with the pleasure of realization that I am swinging. Isn't it what we wished for many a times when we were children...swinging on a swing.....

Have you swung on a swing and went to that height
See you everything in front but fear is in sight.

And now that the country is young again
ready to ooze out oomphs of energy
with everyone with their own direction
and their own thoughts and ideas to grow and get old,
we need to align .
Align so that we don't go astray and get scattered
like the uncontrolled youth
We need communism for a while.
Just for a while till we all are directed in same direction.
And then let us grow
And then Let everyone use their energy in unison
like a youth carrying all his dreams together.

A Blabbering

and what would you write from an empty mind. huh?? will shoot some words just heard before..or will tell the story you heard just 10 min back,though modified..and you would say that's mine for you fellas...unpolluted...all fresh..unprejudiced you would say if you are more learned...have you got any shame ,i would say as a cynic or a critic and grin from within and without. But what else could you have written than what you got from them...that you are just an empty book to be written...and you can only say what's been written in you already....And what else could the cynic have said ॥that he is also a white book to be written...and can only say what's been written in him...

what else could i say that i am written only this much in me yet....

हर सोंच बढ़ रही है हर रोज़ इक नई सोच बन कर ।
जाने क्यों मुझ पर ही ये साया है ।
लगता है की आगे काफ़ी बढ़ गया हूँ मैं कभी
और कभी पीछे छूट गया हूँ ऐसा लगता है ।
और फ़िर उठते हैं सवाल की
अगर आगे बढ़ गया हूँ तो क्या अब ठहरना होगा ?
या पीछे हूँ तो लगानी होगी दौड़ ?
बस यूँ ही हर जवाब इक सवाल बन जाता है
और हर सवाल अपने को अनाथ पाता है ।

And while you are running faster than micro-seconds
I am still waiting for time to reverse
Hoping the equations to solve this time
At least for the sake of probability
To let not the zero expand again,
Again to kiss its infinity.

Aren't expressions meant to be just expressed

And not worded,sold and sentenced(all pun intended)

And why should I be me
And not romantic be
For what I know
Is what I want it to be
And what I see
Is how it had to be

Yes, it's a good day for singing a song,
and it's a good day for moving alone; (ALONG)
Yes, it's a good day, how could anything go wrong,
A good day from morning' till night

Yes, it's a good day for shining your shoes,
and it's a good day for losing the blues;
Everything go gain and nothing' to lose, (TO GAIN)
'Cause it's a good day from morning' till night

I said to the Sun, ' Good morning sun
Rise and shine today'
You know you've gotta get going
If you're gonna make a showin'
And you know you've got the right of way.

'Cause it's a good day for paying your bills;
And it's a good day for curing your ills,
So take a deep breath and throw away your pills;
'Cause it's a good day from morning' till night.--- Peggy Lee

And what else do i write
But of you
And a few
Come who have all
And passed by
To let the motel
be thinking,
Asking why?

Chal try marte hain

Lasts nothing but the ever lost you
And even though i know that its true
O' Lady with green eyes and in saree blue
Will you have a glass of lemon-tea with me.. :)

money,
peace,
dillemma,
knowledge,
scratching with long nails,
feeling loved,
feeling like loving,
want to plan,
want to not to plan,
ideal,
non-ideal,
confused,
back to ideal,
virgin,
rapist,
happy,
guilty,
unhappy,
preserving virginity,
love,
deny loving,
free and happy,
infinitely free,
confused,
love again,
want to do,
want to leave it all,
free and bored,
again want to do,
want to define,
want to let it undefined,
undefined and lying,
lying and confused,
want to define ,
learn ,
unlearn,
fool,
dejected,
learn,
afraid to be fool,
want to be fool,
proud to be fool,
alone,
afraid to be fool......
..............................
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हम अपनी चाहत को पाने के लिए क्या कुछ नही करते

लेकिन कभी सब दाव पर लगा कर भी कुछ मिले

तो लगता है की हमने जिंदगी से ये तो नही माँगा था --- Dil Dosti etc

The Blow-Fly

Was just day-dreaming usual stuffs like usual people in usual broad daylight.
hmmm....then?
then..then what , nothing...I mean nothing very interesting but this blow-fly.It just entered into my house without permission. And about me you know.I mean the lazy me, neither asking things to come nor to go.Come and go i say .Or may be i don't say even that. Ya I was telling this blow-fuckin-fly came in.And its ways showed that it also had no purpose or intentions whatsoever and its entrance was a mere coincidence- another occurrence of an event into already occurring events. Came that it inside , I got this sudden feeling of touching it.You know curiosity.One wise man once said- All our actions depend on two factors,curiosity and the fear of it. So, curious that i was and fearful not of result, I tried to touch it. It buzzed and bit ,showed its anger and ran away.Hurt I was and happy too for reasons which men are still searching for.
So that was it.. that was your usual stuff...??
ya that was it for that day as it came the next day too.Flying closer as if wanting to be touched. and touch did I. It, but,Buzzed,bit and flew away.Days passed with its everyday come and go .Come, touch,buzz,bite and go.Freely it came , freely it went.
so that was it??
ya that was it until it went to the house nearby one day. Freedom which it vouched till now had no meaning in his house.Went round and round and on touch just it frowned.

Man that i am and you know men. Angry,jealous and waiting, so waited.Come one day and it came again and I grabbed it hard lest it fly away.Pain I gave I realized and let loose my hand to let it fly by . To touch I am good at and freedom I sell.Do that shall I and will not pretend else.Free it came free should it go, said I. Cried at times ,Man that I am .Smiled afterwards, I that I am. Wait ,I will ,for yet another blowfly, free. :)

oh! I see its repeating
the Rand and the Keating
And I can only wonder
coz chance is not a blunder

दिल ही तो है न संगोखिश्त दर्द से भर न आए क्यूँ
रोएंगे हम हज़ार बार कोई हमें सताए क्यूँ : ग़ालिब

एक परिणाम

हाँ यार , और क्या
फ़िर ?
फ़िर मैं भागा
जा छुपा परदे के पीछे
दो आँसू गिराए
और चुपके से एक आँख बाहर की
दो गोलियाँ चलाई
फ़िर दो और आँसू गिराए
बस

क्यों ख़ाक मिला है आग में
क्या मैंने तुझसे पूछा क्या ?
क्यों प्यास छुपी है पानी में
क्या मैंने तुझसे पूछा क्या ?
फ़िर क्यों सवाल मुझसे इतने
और हर जवाब दरवाजा है
जो बंद है किस्मत के जैसे
और खुल कर भी वो आधा है

Of all the times but now I need change.I am bored of this life and its longevity,the long hours of contemplation and its absurdity,the repetitive thoughts and their repetitions,the hour-long fight for an end(the long awaited result of the fight between wrong and right,good and evil, passion and prudence and on and on and on....)
Of all the phases but this I desire my whole life to be condensed into one moment by reversing back the same process which divided it into years,months,days,minutes,seconds and then more.This divided time ,which has given me so many seconds that i live a life every second and every next I repeat it,bores me.
Every life I live ,every phase I switch to has the same set of questions.Initially I was curious,then I started getting confused and now I am bored because it repeats itself.It repeats itself every second,every phase,every divided-part-of-life in the same manner as it does in whole condensed-one-moment-life

The Social Liberal

and what should he do when she lies down naked to let him play thinking that this time she might get the love she has long lost...that this time she may get her tears out which she has been holding since long not in her eyes but in the crevices of that part of heart which aches the most.

what should he do for he has desires and he is losing it all for the lack of the game which he should have played by now...

what should he do...???

the world is happening...not me and you. And if that is true then happening of which event is to be happened?? Should she be played by???Or should he run against the desires???

If world is happening and not me and you then what should happen for any happening would be as right or wrong as it would be otherwise???

And they say life is just not that ironical.

i also only have questions like you...And why my answer will be right or wrong and why so will your's when this world is happening and not me and you

and then will the wind sing on your face and dance in your ear,
the sun kiss your eyes and the green leaves run through your imagination.
You will dance loud on your heart
and your beats will cry out of sweet pain through your eyes.
Will you still search for me?

And then he narrated his past with such certitude as if they were excavated,researched and inferenced upon and not lived.

And when the trumpet is blown into your seconds-balloon , you live more than your life

Lotus stuffed that i am ,I sell them and I am contagious.
Keep away,oh! the ones who hitch-hike happiness on their way

क्या करूं ?
रो दूँ ?
या रुक जाऊं ?
बढ़ जाऊं
और देखूं पलट कर फ़िर
हंसती गीली आंखों से |

क्या करूं ?
लिख दूँ ?
या रुक जाऊं ?
की ऊड जाए और आए फ़िर से
और लिख जाए ख़ुद से , फ़िर से

गिरे हैं,पड़े हैं ,मरे हैं और खुश हैं
इतने की रस्सी से लटकी जलेबी भी उछल कूदने को मजबूर नही करती

And all the thoughts aligned themselves as if they have been right-clicked and said thoughts-cascade with the latest thought at the front and haunting the most and rest of them lingering faded like those blurry spirits.
And the latest thought which was lingering in his mind was that - every man is romantic in his own way,romancing with his way of living life,his philosophy,his thoughts , his ideals,his men and women.
And the sudden anxiety forced him to run to grab a copy of " The Romantics" by Pankaj Mishra.He ran to to search for a knowledge which he suddenly felt he lacked or at least had only faded idea of.May be he ran just to check whether his new found thought had any sibling in Mishra's book or to give his thoughts a bit more conviction by finding another instance of it in another mind.

And as my eyes tries to
tread down where my
testosterone pushes them to
And when they seek
and not look down of guilt(shame and things like that)
Am i a lecher defined
or a human pristine.

Unlearn,crash and burn
But remember
Not everyone's a phoenix

किसी ने कहा की चिन्गारी लगती है
तभी आग उठता है
हाय रे मैं बेवकूफ
सच मान बैठा
चिन्गारी की ताक मे सब कुछ हार बैठा.

Sie sind nicht Ubermensch

So you just wanted to win it,right? Then why dint you tell you me that you dint actually want
IT and just the pleasure of winning over it...

I myself got to know it now dear.And now when it has come to an end with me as the victorious, I am happy and suffering.One has to make a choice of what he wants.I made mine.And at the end only thing you say to yourself is that " If i had another chance , only if i had another life, only if i could go back and live it again,I would have made the choice i dint.

So,you say that you should have made the second choice.Is not it?

You don't get it dear.I said ,I wish i had made it otherwise.And so my present is as good,or bad,as it would have been otherwise.

P.S : Do boond pee hi liya toh kya...shit yaar nahi bhi peeta toh bhi kya....

Experience, he said, he wanted to, everything. Everything in this world-some known to the people and some unknown."I want to know ",He said. I could see the pace of his speech was increasing.He was getting anxious,his body had started trembling and his convictions convinced him lesser now.Perplexed,he looked at me with those enquiring eyes if i had guessed the doubts he suddenly had in his own thoughts. The thoughts of which he was so sure at the very last moment.The thoughts with which he thought he would revolutionize the minds of the people around him at the least if not the whole world.
I ,addicted to dissecting whats said and heard around like a liberal adding ambiguity to every simple philosophy by any simple man,started wondering on what he meant when he started and what happened thereafter........................................

Oh dear dear!! Ignorance is bliss!!!

and then i ask who is big, who is bigger and who greater or the greatest is??
Kya hain sab : aadarsh, ethics, sapne, josh,kisi ke liye jaan dena,kisi ke liye 1st aana.
Is the yardstick hidden somewhere in these branches of emotions or is the liberal right, searching for answers for everything on earth,by putting his own head in his own ass, raising questions on them himself??
Isn't Life a joke???But when he laughs for no reason,you laugh at him,call him mad.No fault of yours- You are also me.
Somebody rightly said: had it not been funny how tragic it would be.
Jo rote hain woh bhi sahi hain aur jo haste hain wo bhi. Coz with life you can do only two things.Either laugh or cry..aur dono kiya toh baat hi kya hai...jeet li chhoti si zindagi ko...

Run...Daudo yaar...Bhaago...Jeet lo...Jeet li toh hanso and if lost ...Cry....

what if i die now?
will i be numb,white or nothing?
And my past?Will it be a story,
a life or nothing?
HehehehEhEHeHehehe
Family?
related,living or nothing?
Friends?Girlfriends?girls?
ideas,dreams..................?
What if i die now?
heheheheHEHEhEhEhE
WILL I BE?

No pain as great as the palpitation of this anxious heart , no pleasure as great either.

Of life and times,
the love, the lust and their rhymes,
the cravings and how it sublimes,
Of this second and that year,
Of me , Of her and of them,
I sit to write

P.S : I am afraid, I am anxious,I want to die.

White

Words,children of anonymity,
though desirable,
copulated and impregnated by many,
gives birth to anonymity when its my conjugate.

Dreams infinite of infinity,
conceived in lazy drooping moments,
in hastened whims die,
its mortal death

Ideas always,
like means-ends race,
lose,
trail behind its shape

White,everytime,
as the pages were,
is my mind, yet another time,
for yet another page, white.

Soil bathe my blood ,
Rise but not,
Crawl i'll untill. For
the star i seek
has lost my eyes.

Jo gar milo toh haal-e-dil na poochhna
Bas itna jaan lo ki ab fard bhi karte hain.

Seeking white

Somebody please cry
the loudest you can
lest i close my eyes,
run with legs fixed
and become a stone
Are the women all over dead?
for shrieks i beg
take me there or
i will vomit until -else
you die
for a while and then
i will cry
the loudest i can
lest you close your eyes
run with legs fixed
and turn into stone.

Me Manifesto

....

As you are gone...Gone Forever

My limbs shiver and not deliver
to continue the immortal-me dream.
Infinity has shrunk,absolute lost
the blurred-I has diminished.
The phoenix,hope hopen,
burnt into ashes, wet
by the heart-broke eyes.
Dead as a stoic
this heart-nostalgic
aches and long for you-
as you are gone
Gone forever.

Let's continue , Let's see

Yet again the sky turned grey
forming shapes,
my conscience desire not to decipher
I will sit down and wait,
not for the light,
this time
But the end of this tarred-black road
under the grey sky.

yet again

he is going to sleep
yet again.

A believer...

I promised to be God , said know me not
And she is human,utterly.
Believed me.
Alright,fine! they do.
I will keep the promise,will pretend
I will excuse,will love.

Love, A guilt?

And then i dive ,to float
in tandem as you in me,in you
And i learn not the slightest
from those dark drowned nights
that i am drunk and not me
in the trance tavern of you.
Oh! what a drunkard of my degree
would ask for but chalice
one more chalice and a fall into you.

those GREEN LEAVES and the STRUCTURE

What to say
Dogs ride
And
Bitches lay...
Destined plight
the considered destined plight
the love,the hate,the cry,the fight
then those green shiny leaves
green on white.
the SHE
a Blush 
and then all those She's
a Smile
structured
Unstructured
And then the totally broken ones
And the voted worst are the self voted,mass considered,mildewed,euphemised,Layered,virtuality real-ised
STRUCTURE....

the bitch

she came
oh she came with a duster
with miseries
and sorrows in a cluster.
i pleaded
she didn't realise
i cried
she will never sympathise
i will piss on her
and she will run
i donno
(if)she is a bastard
but she is a bitch for sure......

He/She

he came from a foreign land
and i was told to make him my friend
some were visible of their minds
and some told it from behind
i include my being in the latter case
coz the whole situation for me was out of phase
did the first man step on moon bare foot
he was given white space suit and a pair of safety boots
his steps were big for mankind
yes my steps really are bigger for my mind
let me wear my suit
and give me a pair of safety boots
i do want to climb and reach
but i have died a many times
and i dont want to repeat it,please.

an exasperation framed to capitalise

mediocrity has bitten me ever since my birth
ate away my highs and i am crying of its dearth
sky is the limit i was always taught
but i was born to hang on trees i never thought
thinking myself as alice and dreaming in wonderland
i lost even myself with traces in hand
obsessed with dreams,passionate for highs
i always tried to make a disguised strive
on monday he inspires me and my hopes arise
and on tuesday i taste the lowliest and realise(that)
mediocrity has bitten me ever since my birth
it has creeped into my being and i am no worth
oh i remember the last time i tried to break free
how it broke me and stranded me into an endless spree
and i thought
why is it like with every mediocre you get an optimist free

maa

wanna study in the laaltain,so dim,
on a bed so thin,
in those hot nights,
which made me perspire to the height.
I know i always wept with one drop.
But today i cry at heart and never stop.
I remember the day you slapped me,
and then you wrapped me
in your arms.
You don't slap,you don't wrap
I find there's a big gap

the loser

he is a brooder and thinks of it otherwise
and he is unknown that he does not know.
thinks of him, a thinker who thinks to the last
hence among those who are are not just unworthy past
ohhhh a brooder of degraded past.
He tells them the things, passed.
Rearranging the glory which he has lost.
He knows not the state he is seeking.
Coz the ones he had dreamt of, have fallen apart.
He used to love the good and the GOD.
He is an atheist and the good-s don't look at him anymore
fuck!!! he is a brooder and he is lost

an incomplete spasm

he will say it to her her
and she will know it someday that
the vanity of his being shruggs with shame infinite
that he believes in relativity in existence
and she is the co-ordinate
he will never see her
as she is his ideal defined
the absolute,the end,the full stop to infinite
which believers call god...
he will ever pray the she
and never stop the offerings ...